Sunday, October 21, 2007

In the middle of the lake

People have been wandering what is going on, where am I, what am I doing and where it is all going. So here its: It is Sunday night, I am sitting in my bedroom, alone, a bit sick, and without a job. It took me a while to get into this position and I am cherishing every moment. Tomorrow 8:00 am sharp my survival mechanism will kick in – and I will go forward with an extreme speed.

My very good friend calls this position: “being in the middle of the lake”. Imagine cutting all support and relation to what has sustained and occupied a person for long period of time, going away from everybody and everything and just taking a boat of life to the middle of the lake – the very middle – FREEZE this moment. This does not have to be the worst situation in ones life, it is just a situation that prompts to rethink and reassess ones position and purpose in the world.


This is the position I am in right now. I have started “paddling to the middle” in the beginning of summer and finally I am there for all aspects of my life. No, it’s not the best position to be in because of all the responsibility that is hanging from my shoulders. Yes, I am grateful for being in this position, because it is quite mild comparing to some other people who have reached this stage, and because it gives me time to think and reflect (yes only until tomorrow
8:00 am:-))

So here are some revelations from the middle of the lake:

First it is time to examine my past decisions that I have made in order to get to the middle. One thing that is very clear (Hopefully I do not sound like a Buddha here:-)) is that there are no right or wrong decisions when you are in the middle. Finally I can let myself go wrong and err, without eating myself up for dinner afterwards, and always asking what have I done wrong. Mistakes are only things I have done that do not agree with my inner values and nothing else. There were some mistakes, but mistakes are the prerogative of those who try – and they provide the fuel to move forward. Also perhaps I should have been a bit more flexible not so rigid in some things – but these are the very things because of which I respect myself and I am in the middle the way I am.

I had an interesting internal debate regarding these values. After all isn’t being flexible and adaptive best for survival and prosperity? The evolution works that way – those who do not adapt – die. Isn’t Machiavellian position the most efficient in the world? (Yes I know who that was, if you don’t go look it up in Wikipedia:-))

Being in the middle and at peace with myself, provides an easy answer. Of course it is efficient and important to be flexible and adaptive, but only if you do not make deals with your conscious along the way. The funny thing is that if you do, it might achieve something at that moment but somehow this adaptiveness will not bring your survival chances up – rather it might mess you up in some way you have not thought of. The truth is that conscious is embedded even in the “worst” people and trying to overwrite conscious is like having a wish wand that will always take something from the other end when you make a wish. If one was a GOD, they could predict everything and make the right path and right deals with no reprocautions, but none of us is GOD (even though some pretend to be :-)).

From my personal perspective I could redefine a mistake as something that I have done while doing a deal with my conscious. It works but always leads to something that requires a bigger deal with conscious and leaves a bigger mess. As for hard decisions in the past 6 months – yes it is hard on me now but from the middle I can see that the alternatives would create a situation much worse and I would also be left without any self respect.

Second thing I understood being in the middle is that I always was one step too hard on myself. Looking from the middle - the decisions that I've made, and the experiences that I've had, I do deserve respect from myself (and not making deals with conscious on big dilemmas is one of the main things there). I should trust myself more in the future, and be much more comfortable in my skin. Now my inner voice has more weight on the scale than outside opinions (For the reasons why – don’t fall asleep here, continue to read further:-))

Third thing is about people surrounding me when I was “paddling” to the middle. Generally when I am in a great position in life and have a lot to give – there are many people who swerve around me like an orbital station. They are needy for my love, money, fame, knowledge, and anything else I can give. “Paddling” to the middle is like a litmus test (If you do not know what that is – go search the Wikipedia and do not come back until you can remember all of it by heart:-)). Only the very true people remain (small group) – because they sense who I am, and know that external things are there because my "internal spine", and if external things disappear they will appear again soon enough. An even smaller group remains there because they are just comfortable with me the way I am, no matter what the externals are. I am very grateful to those people.

Most people however are afraid of the person who is paddling to the middle. My theory is that people are so afraid of reaching the middle themselves that they do not want to be associated in any way with a person who is going there. In my case, figuratively speaking, people started to paddle away from me as fast as possible. Some of them have started paddling months ago, some are doing it right now. Some do it in secrecy, some do it openly and with a lot of splash (Some row fast and pretend I do not exist). The funny thing is that (again figuratively speaking) most of those people have left a rope tied to my boat, so what they are doing is essentially making a big circle around me. Some know about this rope, some don’t , some know and pretend not to notice that they are circling – not getting away. The latter probably sense that they have made the wrong deal, but cannot admit it to themselves. (If you do recognize yourself in these groups, I am not judging you – I am just pointing at the rope and want you to ask yourself - why?)

Obviously being in the middle and seeing those circling in the distance – I now have all the reasons in the world to regard my opinion more than someone else’s, and only trust the opinions of the people who I chose to respect.

To conclude this rather long story, I can only say – even though all of us are afraid of the middle of the lake, it is better to reach it and change your life, than being afraid of it and still reach it at the end with a lot of “if I did it the other-way” questions. In this case, you won’t sleep well at nights, and will never be at peace with yourself. Looking at it from another angle, do you want to live all your life in fear of the “middle”? Most of our worries and fears are nothing but the fear of the “middle” in disguise.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My hat is off.
I really enjoyed it.
Stan P.

9:01 AM  

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